Professional birther troll and ugly haired human, Donald Trump has been parading around this week alleging that he had a bombshell so big that it was “bordering on gigantic.” A story so big that it would “possibly” change the state of the election. “Possibly,” everybody.

Early rumors today reported on Radar Online said that Obama might have sold a little bit of cocaine in college. But hoo boy, it seems Trump has found some long lost divorce papers drawn up by Michelle Obama.

For a birther that’s like not getting the shiny red bike you wanted for Christmas, but getting some cool video game anyway — it’s not perfect, but it’ll do.

Just so everyone is clear, this is probably my favorite thing about American politics right now. A whole bunch of people are very interested in what the “Celebrity Apprentice” guy has to say about who should have access to nuclear launch codes.